DRIVING IN INDIA
(Author Unknown)
 Near Old Delhi Station |
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For the benefit of every Tom, Dick and Harry visiting India and daring to drive on Indian roads, I am offering a few hints for survival.
They are applicable to every place in India except Bihar, where life outside a vehicle is only marginally safer. Indian road rules broadly operate within the domain of karma where you do your best, and leave the results to your insurance company.
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The hints are as follows:
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Do we drive on the left or right of the road? The answer is "both".
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Basically you start on the left of the road, unless it is occupied. In that case, go to the right, unless that is also occupied. Then proceed by occupying the next available gap, as in chess. Just trust your instincts, ascertain the direction, and proceed. Adherence to road rules leads to much misery and occasional fatality. Most drivers don't drive, but just aim their vehicles in the generally intended direction.
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Don't you get discouraged or underestimate yourself; except for a belief in reincarnation, the other drivers are not in any better position.
- Don't stop at pedestrian crossings just because some fool wants to cross the road. You may do so only if you enjoy being bumped in the back. Pedestrians have been strictly instructed to cross only when traffic is moving slowly or has come to a dead stop because some minister is in town. Still some idiot may try to wade across, but then, let us not talk ill of the dead.
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Approaching Old Delhi
- Blowing your horn is not a sign of protest as in some countries. We horn to express joy, resentment, frustration, romance and bare lust (two brisk blasts), or just mobilize a dozing cow in the middle of the bazaar.
- Keep informative books in the glove compartment. You may read them during traffic jams, while awaiting the chief minister's motorcade, or waiting for the rain waters to recede when over ground traffic meets underground drainage.
- Occasionally you might see what looks like a UFO with blinking colored lights and weird sounds emanating from within. This is an illuminated bus, full of happy pilgrims singing bhajans. These pilgrims go at breakneck speed, seeking contact with the Almighty, often meeting with success.
Auto Rickshaw (Baby Taxi): The
result of a collision
between a rickshaw and an automobile,
this three-wheeled
vehicle works on an external combustion engine
that runs on a mixture
of kerosene oil and creosote. This triangular
vehicle carries
iron rods, gas cylinders or passengers three
times its weight
and dimension, at an unspecified fare. After
careful geometric
calculations, children are folded and packed
into these auto rickshaws until
some children in the periphery are
not in contact
with the vehicle at all.
Then their school bags are pushed into
the microscopic gaps all round so those
minor collisions with other vehicles
on the road cause no permanent damage. Of course, the
peripheral children are charged half the fare and also
learn Newton's laws of motion enroute to school. Auto-rickshaw
drivers follow the road rules depicted in the film Ben
Hur, and are licensed to irritate.
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Mopeds: The moped
looks like an oil tin on wheels
and makes a noise like an electric shaver. It runs 30
miles on a teaspoon of petrol and travels at break-bottom
speed. As the sides of the road
are too rough for a ride, the moped drivers tend to
drive in the middle of the road; they would rather drive
under heavier vehicles instead of around them and are
often "mopped" off
the tarmac.
Leaning Tower of Passes: Most
bus passengers are given free passes and during rush hours, there
is absolute mayhem. There are passengers hanging off other passengers,
who in turn hang off the railings and the overloaded bus leans dangerously,
defying laws of gravity but obeying laws of surface tension.
As drivers get paid for overload (so many Rupees per
kg of passenger), no questions are ever asked. Steer clear of these
buses by a width of three passengers.
One-way Street: These
boards are put up by traffic people to add jest
in their otherwise drab lives. Don't stick to
the literal meaning and proceed in one direction. In metaphysical
terms, it means that you cannot proceed in two directions at once.
So drive as you like, in reverse throughout, if you are the fussy
type. Lest I sound hypercritical; I must add a positive point
also. Rash and fast driving in residential areas has been prevented
by providing a "speed
breaker"; two for each house. This mound, incidentally, covers
the water and drainage pipes for that residence
and is left untarred for easy identification
by the corporation authorities, should they want to recover the
pipe for year-end accounting.
Night driving on Indian roads can be an exhilarating experience for those with the mental makeup of Genghis Khan. In a way, it is like playing Russian roulette, because you do not know who amongst the drivers is loaded.
What looks like premature dawn
on the horizon turns out to be
a truck attempting a speed record.
On encountering it, just pull
partly into the field adjoining
the road until the phenomenon
passes. Our roads do not have
shoulders, but occasional boulders.
Do not blink your lights expecting
reciprocation. The only dim thing
in the truck is the driver, and
with the peg of illicit arrack
(alcohol) he has had at the last
stop, his total cerebral functions
add up to little more than a naught.
Truck drivers are the James Bonds
of India, and are licensed to
kill.
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Often you may encounter a single powerful
beam of light about six feet above the ground. This
is not a super motorbike, but a truck approaching
you with a single light on, usually the left one. It could be
the right one, but never get too close to investigate.
You may prove your point posthumously. Of course,
all this occurs at night, on the trunk roads. During
the daytime, trucks are more visible, except that
the drivers will never show any signal. (And you
must watch for the absent signals; they are the greater
threat). Only, you will often observe that the cleaner who sits
next to the driver, will project his hand and wave
hysterically. This is definitely not to be construed
as a signal for a left turn. The waving is just a
statement of physical relief on a hot day.
If, after all this, you still want to drive in India, have your lessons between 8 pm and 11 am when the police have gone home and the citizen is then free to enjoy the 'FREEDOM OF SPEED' enshrined in the constitution.
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Wanna see Driving in India in action? Click on Busy Intersection in India